Friday, November 23, 2001 :::
 

thanksgiving night... late. am still sick, hearling partially blocked from cold. watched a lot of buffy tonight like 9-2 am... oh man..thats like 5 hours
talking w/ neil about the BNAT stuff, looking forward to it, just must go home and pack like the wind. might call Serene tomorrow, as Brooks, Mike and his son, Alex are driving to Orlando tomorrow, and will be gone most of the day. ao i'm not sure what i'll be doing... i don't wanna just veg out here, but might not have any choice. maybe go see a movie while the world is shopping. while it was good to be w/ the family... it also seemed so amazingly wierd to not mentino Beau's name at all. the only time i heard it the whole day, was when lying on the bay window cushions to take the required nap post dinner. I asked Mike to move over a bit, so i could have some room, and he looked at me and said ' " i'm taking Beau's place here" it was wierd, and sorta jarring. i mean. no one can take beau's place, but mike's a good guy, nearly a brother to me. on the way home, after i dropped grandma at her house, i talked to alex about how he felt since mike and jody got divorced. we talked about it, and i told him that i don't have a mom anymore, since she died. he dosen't remember her. i know he's 5 and all, but a part of me just wants to know he remembered her.

Having to tell Alex last night, who's quite perseptive, when he asked ' Holly, when you come down, how come you always stay here? " ... i had to say " Well, Alex, mom's house is sold, and so I don't have any where to go. So i come to your dad's house"
it's true, but it makes me feel disconnected. i want to go take pics of the Purple Kitchen soon. it meant so much to mom, and to me and Beau. Brooks could give fuck all about it though, so that's discouraging. It was 1/2 of the wall, signed by all who came to the house to visit, or to come to the CoffeeHouses we/she hosted there.
there's art, and some small phrases, and just names and names of those who passed through her doors, and her life.
i called Ross on November 17, mentioed it was 3 years to the day when she died. he didnt' remember. i know it wasn't his mom, and all...but still. i thought more people would remember. grandma didnt even remember. what day. that was wierd. let me say. maybe it's because she's 98. maybe just forgot.
I didn't call brooks that day, because i don't know, maybe i could not deal w/ talking to him. i remember how Beau called me from jail in LA that day last year, to connect with me about it. our feelings, acknowledging that it had happened. my family is so repressed. i am trying to not be. part of me just says let the pics of the purple kitchen go, let it all go. part of me says to get the pics, keep the records, make sure you share them with friends, or just look at them time to time. it's a strange legacy, a kitchen wall. but i think it's about all i have. after all, the house is sold. so that's not mine to keep. most cloths given away, tho i do have some of them. i need to get into the writings she'd done, try to get them scanned in. typed out, something. i feel i'm not doing enough in regaurds to that, and Beau's writings. not getting them posted etc. but on the other hand, i feel it's too soon for me, mentally. i guess if i am aware enough to know that, that is good. i just feel like i could do more. well it's 3:30 am, and i need to try and get some sleep. gonna have some leftovers for a late night snack tho. hmmmmm turkey. strangely enough, been having really acid stomach lateley... tuesday nearly threw up 3 times. had to take pepcid ac last night, and feel like i might need it now, too. ahhh family. brings out the best in ya.
later kids.
Holly

::: posted by Grendy at 11/23/2001 03:39:00 AM

Thursday, November 22, 2001 :::
 

so am at Mike McGreevy's house in Flordia now, drove in last night about 1:30 am. kinda sick w/ a cold, and am not feeling well.
the TMLMTBGB shows were amazing, funny, touching etc. i highly recommend them for those going to Chicago.
i was at Dad's til 3 am... came home and watched the metero shower... but that's a different story, one i'll post here later.

::: posted by Grendy at 11/22/2001 03:04:00 AM

Sunday, November 18, 2001 :::
 

so thursday i could not sleep for the life of me... i tossed and turned like a fool. part of it was from replaying conversation with Tom over and over in my head. he'd confronted me about something rachel at work had said...and what i'd said to her etc... something like a game of Operator... i said one thing, he got something entirely different. anyway... the way he said it was really cool and he told me some more stuff about him, and he was just so cool to talk to... anyway.. in this anxieity like state in which i tried to read too much into his words, wondering if he's actually gay or not... wondering what he really thinks of me...so tossed and turned and just felt shitty, knowing i'd feel shitty in the morning because i wasn't sleeping... enless cycle... slept at 7:15 to about 8:45 am ... yay 1 1/2 hours of sleep on a 15 hour workday!

so came home from Sev yesterday// napped while watching jackie chan adventures cartoon...woke up during simpson's... just in time to haul booty down to Dad's for the 8 pm show of Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind by the Neo-Futurists... they're from chicago..and amazing!!!!!!
more later... gotta go watch the last Midnight show of theirs...

::: posted by Grendy at 11/18/2001 12:05:00 AM