Friday, November 16, 2001 :::
crimeney...
it's been way too long for an update by me... lets' see. phone's currently out, re: big ass phoen bill fro m$1600 in collect calls from Beau last year. down to like $455 or so. so that's good. but it's still a lot.
work at Sev going well, closed tonight so Tom could go see Stereolab, tho i'd wanted to see that show myself. alos tonight was the Psychedelic Furs and Echo and the Bunnymen show. grrrr w/ the no $$.
oh, tuesday i got divorced. berny was late. as ususal. it took like 10 minutes. actaully not as big a deal as i'd sorta anticipated it to be. tho he told me 5 min before the papers were originally written up by his girlfriend , kitten...
that i did not appreciate finding out right before we went before the judge.
oh well, it's done, i am done with him.
as we're leaving tho.. strangely enough... on the street corner, about to go seperate waYS, i reached out to him to shake hands, and he pulled me up into a hug, tight.
i wanted to go " you can't do that, you're not ALLOWED to do that anymore" and for some reason i didn't.
It's not that i'm physically standoffish with my friends, far from it, from my close friends... but i felt he'd not earned it anymore.
also..he's called me monday at work, to remind me of the court date the next day... as if i'd forget.. that was wierd, to think i'd forget.
what else is going on,..? well i've not NEARLY started packing enough (re: at all)
worked at the Plaza last night til 10:30 and then came home to watch Buffy the Musical for the 900th (really 3rd) time in the same day.
it's brilliant... i loved it... that's all
am at dad's garage theater right now, as stated above reasons...
think i might like Tom... like in the LIKE sense of the word...not sure... not obsessed, just had a series of really great conversations with him at work tonight, while he was waiting for his roomate to pick him up for the concert.
not sure if he's gay or not, so that could work against me.
then there's the whole, maybe he just don't like me thing, there's always that. he told me he really appreciated and wanted to thank him for making him feel welcome and taking him under my wing, as it were, at work.
that actaully meant a lot to me.
in one sense, of the i can be a good manager of people sense, and there's the i'm appreciated for helping someone, and showing him the ropes, as it were. it just made me feel good to help someone.
i told him that i feel disconnected, recently, from a lot of stuff, Beau, Mom, my world... emotionally disconnected... just not able to gwet a great deal of caring up and out there into the world.
he said that when you feel disconnected, that sometimes it is the starting of actaully being connected again. that makes sense to me, it's similar to what Alpha Chris told me yesterday.
i am so glad alpha chris is my friend... i think i am over my crush, and that's good, glad i didn't tell him too.
we're great friends, and i'd like it to remain that way.
tom asked me something tonight tho.. something he's asked many other people.. : would you rather die alone, or with your friends and family by your side?
I said, quickly, tho not flippantly, "that i think that you walk alone through so much of this world, that that is one thing that you should not be alone for" and then starting telling him how i wasn't there for Beau's death, tho i'd wanted to be, when i found out, just so he knew he wasn't alone in this place.
then i started crying a bit, but had to get it under control when someone walked up to the desk.
so that was my ' i'm not nearly as disconnected as i think i am' moment of the evening. '
so... am off now, will try to get back and update tomorrow maybe during SCANDAL!
oh YEAH.. and i think my FUCKING winter coat was stolen from the car in the 3rd break in... i can't find it in the house, and it was in the car, last i knew... and winter's upon me, once again... GRRRRR FUCKETY FUCK!!
that's all
later 'gators!
::: posted by Grendy at 11/16/2001 12:21:00 AM
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