Tuesday, October 23, 2001 :::
 

tuesday evening... work was good/busy as usual... found a flyer on the community bulliten board about a room for rent in a house. it's $550 + 22.5 % of the utilities. it's 1/4 of a house that's 3000 sf. i'd be in a 21x 25 bedroom on the 2nd floor w/ two guys in the other rooms. the owner is in a wheelchair (after a rollerblade incident) and he lives downstairs. i think i could put my bed, futon and papasan chair w/ dressers, have to put a lot of my books in storage..tho the attic seems to be a good sized storage area. there's a golden dog called Duliey. i have to ba careful about the cats tho... the owners ex wife is allergic.. tho i think if i keep them around the upstairs. that would be good. the backyard's nice, deck, flowerplanters... 3/4 of an acre that's shared by the other houseowners so i thinki could live there, tho w/ less stuff then normal... the closet is HUGE... has it's own window! it's walk in and like the size of a 1/2 bath room . has a non working fireplace, which would be GREAT to put candles in i think... tho have to watch that w/ los gatos.
went to harry's in a hurry to get some victuals. green apples, strawberries, english cotswald cheese,mixed spring greens and green goddes dressing.. yummy.. crumbled some crackers into it and yummy yummywas had. watched Buffy and Smallville. Maris called me to see if i'd wanted to go to the brewhouse post buffy, but i am tired and didn't feel like getting dressed and going to a bar i go to 3 times a week. now it's off to a hot bath and some light reading.... marilyn manson's biography...i paid $.25 at a yard sale saturday.
later gators

-ME

::: posted by Grendy at 10/23/2001 11:55:00 PM

 

so today's monday... didn't sleep well.. only like 4 hours, got to sleep around 4 am... ugh
work was slowish. i was sleepy. chris was in a godo mood, hardly saw Rob. did my crap, talked w/ the elusive Emily a bit, tho of course, it was shallow and non-revealing on her part. i like her, and i wonder if she'd talked to me to try and see more why chris (alpha) is my friend. and stuff. not sure. maybe she just thinks i' m okay. it's taken her months to thaw to me. she's not cold, really. just she keeps to herself at work, except for chris. she harldy talks to anyone else.
so she came downstairs, at my urging to hang out while i did contracts after my updatirs shift was over .
came home, made dinner... yummy lemon chicken baked w/ spicy rice. yummy... enough for leftovers for a day or so. i forgot my chinese food from yesterday at home today, so hope it's still good for tomorrow. we'll see. i am trying to bring from home more. watched the news and got online. talking to the usual aicn crew. talked a lot to adam, in pm. he seems nice, and terribly flirty, but this is the internet, so i 'm not gonna get all flustered over someone who's not 'here' so to speak. tho i am gonna try to go see james and jenny in jan (wow...alliteration) in LA. i miss james sometimes, and just want to hug him and talk beau-stuff with him. tho i also just like him, and want to talk me stuff too, and see how he's doing. i am trying to do positive reinforcement, on myself. i think i am gonna start mediating, tho i need to find the time. being online is a nice excuse, people to talk to. but it dosn't make me at peace. so i need to get soem dicipline. irony: my leasing office left me a note, re: renew lease. i can't belive they want to renew with me. i've been here since Nov '98, right after my mom's funeral. i didn;'t even see the place til i moved into it.
that's a whole other story that i might put down sometime.

goal # 1 : be secure in myself. who i am and what i have to offer the world, and someone in it
goal # 2: clean my house and my mental closet.
goal # 3 finsih the divorce paperwork, to get that resolved, finally.

how to achive these :
#1 make notes/ relaizations of who i am and how i can be appreicated for my self
#2 no Internet/ TV before cleaning for at least 2 hours ...should get this into shape.
#3 call Berny and get him to give me date on court date, and also get my comics from him.

weill start tomorrow on all these.
more goals to come.

increase the peace

GK

::: posted by Grendy at 10/23/2001 01:41:00 AM

Monday, October 22, 2001 :::
 

okay... friday after work went to Dad's Garage to work the shows... went well... scandal was funny as hell. went to the brewhouse w/ Chris and Cameron... had a burger and talked. about Katy a bit. see prev posts for that info. got home abotu 2 am..went right to bed, as Hiedi'd asked me to run the kids show the night before, and i had to be there at 11 am... got up, watched some x-men cartoon went to theater. after the show, which was really funny ( notice a trend). called marisa after, to grab some lunch, and went to doc chey's in the emory university area for some yakiudon noodles. ran into ric from Tampa there... not seen him in a year, i missed him at dragin con this year. i think his g/f lives here, he said he's here a lot. great to see him. took marisa home, and read for a while, finishing neourmancer later that evening. called Alpha - Chris and went over w/ cheese and crackers for dinner before the play we wer gooing to see. it was great, he made yummy pasta and sauce. Sirkka was there (his g/f) and i still sometimes feel awkward around her, for some reason. not really sure why. i think she likes me well enough, tho i just know chris better. we joked around and i had 1/2 a glass of white wine... tho i didn't like it much. we went to the play THE ROBBER BRIDEGROOM.at Theatre Gael and it was brilliant... funny and ribald and sung with gusto. and puppets. i didn't tell chris it was a musical, as he'd sworn not to see those, but he liked it. i felt bad aobut tricking him, and explained why when it was over. took him home, went to Dad's as Andy was supposed to be there w/ his family. they were. i sat w/ them the 2nd half of the show. came home... went to bed. woke up around noon, read in bed til about 2. had cats laying all over me, it was nice and comforting. got up, cleaned the house a bit, took my big jar of change to the coinstar machine to turn in to her cat food. ran into the neibor guy i've seen before. he was on the stoop drinking a beer and smoking. started talking to me. tho i was all skanky in two tank tops and cutoff shorts and feeling skunky.
we talked about all kindsa stuff for a bit.. turns out his car'd been broken into 3 months ago and a gun stolen. that made me feel safe (not)
got food and cat food. came home... after a bit, turned on the tv..baseball was on ( braves lost) got online at the AICN room. my new fly pal got me some tix to the BNAT thing... and i need to find a way there. found plane tix for $200.50 on southwest. that's the best i'd found so far. oh yeah, mopped and did dishes in kitchen. had to mop, somehow the cat (bitty, not epo) peed under the damn litterbox and it was stinky. ugh. but all better now.,
so i watched the braves lose and tried to keep the peace in the AICN room.
i was mad today. a bit mad that my brother's not here. i miss him. i want to talk to him. i keep finding stuff he wrote to me and i feel terrible that i never communicated like he did. that i didn't show the love i have for him and others like he did. i will strive to be more like he saw me. i've said this before, but i really need to get on this. i need to stop punking out and make real changes in my behaivour. i am sometimes unhappy with how i am inside. i am thinking of taking soem Falun Gong classes, to find soem inner peace and good physical tone and mediation. i think i should meditate prolly everyday.. tho i don't make time for myself like i should. i spend a lot of time reading, and while that's not bad at all... i think i need to work on me some more.
i've not heard from brooks all weekend. don't know if that's good or bad. not sure if i'll have the $$ to pay gas and electric bills..let alone phoen bill,which is overdue. i can't get online w/o phone. and it's too cool nowdays to be tlaking cold showers like i did all summer. that whole no gas thing sucked. cold showers at 8 am sucked. i got thru it. i'll get thru this, tho i wish i felt more independant than i seem to be. my brother and grandmother keep helping me out of binds. mostly they're not of my own making (see: broken window rants) but i am 31, and should be doing better then i am, i think. i am going to start doing more positive reinforcement ( a la ' all my money will come to me') thoughts/chants. it's worked for me in the past, and ihope it works again.
jennah wrote an eviction letter to berny, to kick him out of the house, part of me laughed at it, and joked w/ the others when she read it, but i still felt bad, and hope that he and kitten are happy. i don't want to be with him anymore. i felt abandoned from him when he confessed last year that when my mom was diagnosed w/ cancer that he made a decision that not be there for me, as it meant expending too much personal energy. i mean... how could he say that? ah well. just finding some copies of my wedding vows in a box today made me think on it. and his letters to me from long ago.... between those and the stuff from Beau i've found, i've felt really depressy all day.
well it's 1:37 am here, and i've got to check my snailmail and take a shower... so i am off for now.

::: posted by Grendy at 10/22/2001 01:42:00 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2001 :::
 

so it's about 2 am sat oct 20, despite what the date reads...damn brit-site...
once again, goit my car broken into... this was Wed night, at the theater i was working at for the show... nothing taken this time, just the winsow smashed out. ... i was pissed... brooks was more pissed. i was gonna go to this film-party in atlanta, at the Fountainhead , but when this happend, i figgured that andy could wait. drive home, made a few calles... got online for a bit, Beta-Chris came online, we talked for a bit, i told him what happened, and said maybe i could come over? it was really pretty much a booty-call. I call him Beta as the Alpha -Chris is the one i work with, as i see him more. i really had just wanted a place to get some snuggle-time in with someone, actaully wasn't too concerned w/ who it was. maybe that's jerky of me, but there it is. i mean. he got all 'wierd' post last month's encounter, and i just wanted to be kissed. so he'd sorta mentioned that he liked long flowy skirts (seems his first wore them a lot) so fool that i am, i found one, but it on and drove to his house, smart move, as i didn't have a window... so it was wet hair and breeze. sigh... that's what being a big dumb girl is like, sometimes i guess. so i get to his house, and there's sleepy people all over the living room, so we go to his bedroom and put on music. (rest edited for content) after.... i couldn't really sleep all that well. his got a waterbed w/ a severe lack of actaul water in it. so, i doze on and off for like 6 hours, rarely getting any more the 30 minutes at a time. i got up about 11, got dressed, gassed up the car for a nice cheap $1.09 a gallon, called brooks and drove home...
too sleepy..more info tomorrow

wanna reach me?
holly@wonky.co.uk

::: posted by Grendy at 10/21/2001 02:30:00 AM